Bracelets are in, "forever" homes and Christmas...

Well the bracelets are in. I was so excited to see them. I was stressed because I had spelled conceive wrong and was worried the company did not get my emails (5) and phone messages (3) as they had not returned or answered anything. Well, they apparently got the messages because they corrected the spelling..

So a recap for the bracelets:

$4.00

They are baby blue
and say

Believe * Conceive
Fighting Infertility

They are nice and very basic. Hopefully we can sell all 40 of them and put it into our savings account with our fertility clinic.

I will say I am saddened by the amount of negative comments we are getting from various people. I don't think people understand that IVF is SO expensive and our insurance is not covering ANYTHING in reguards to it. I suppose their views of us trying to get people to "pay" for us to have a baby is understandable, but we are not doing that, at least we don't feel like it. I dunno?! Floyd and I have decided once we DO get pregnant, to donate [our] eggs to others who are in our situation. We would actually be donating our blasted embies to couples who can't afford fertility treatments. Something we feel so strongly about.

This is truly a test of who really is "there for us" and who is not I suppose. I do hope all my friends and family are out there to support us in this even if they do not agree with our "method" of raising the money.


********************

On another note:

We were pre-approved for a home loan. We meet with the loan people tomorrow (Friday 12/28/07) at 1pm. I am very nervous. We currently rent a nice, VERY VERY nice home. We pay $1100.00 to live in 2300sq feet. It is really about nothing in the area we live in. Being able to afford this loan means so much to us. I have always wanted to find that "forever home". The one my parents have now. The one you come home to every Christmas and every holiday. The one our children will someday bring their children too. Not only is that important to us but we hope that in a year or so we can use some of the equity in the home to help afford IVF.

Floyd and I have looked at about 15 homes in this area. We finally found one we love. It doesnt need anything really but a new coat of paint (b/c white is boring!) and some yard loving...easy! And I would like to put hardwood floors in at some point but the carpet, even though its a blue color is brand new...we may have to work out something in the loan with that as its not my favorite but it is new. We are just hoping the guy will go lower on the price of the house. Our real estate agent (kinda cool to use that statement) says that since its a buyers market right now we are pretty lucky and will probably get a lower price or closer too than not! So that is exciting! Here is the link to the house. Hope you can see it. http://locator.nwmls.com/scripts/mgrqispi.dll?APPNAME=Locator&PRGNAME=MLSPictureDescriptions&ARGUMENTS=-N180459157,-N27178280,-AE

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So Christmas has come and is now gone. Christmas certainly came very fast this year. I was not at all prepared for it, but it was great. This weekend the tree will come down and the trash and recycling bins will be emptied...thankfully. Nathan and Breonna were rather spoiled this year by family and friends. They both recieved an Ipod Nano from "Santa", clothes, money, books, cds, more money and much more. Santa was very nice to Floyd as well. He got a new 37' flat pannel television (HD. LCD) that he wanted. I kinda think it should be from Santa and the birthday fairy as well...I too was overly spoiled. Floyd and the kids are wonderful shoppers. I even recieved a "DAY OF BLISS"...pampering of my very own at a spa! I have never done one of those before. I can't wait to find the time to go!

We went to the 9:30 church service. It is probably my favorite thing to do on Christmas Eve. Last year was Nathan's first year to be in the living cross. You have to be in the 6th grade. This year Breonna was so sad to realize she wouldnt be able to be in the living cross until next year. I was thankful she would have to wait as I just didnt feel she was truly ready. I saw flashes of her dripping hot wax on the ground, running her fingers of the candle flame and much more. However, seeing how sad she was that she would have to wait until next year I asked my mom to see if the Youth Director Dutch would just let her do it...he did it and Breonna was amazing. She sat with the Youth Group through the whole service quietly, nicely and patiently. She followed all the youth and did GREAT! I was so impressed and VERY proud and she too was very proud of herself!!!

Floyd and I were blessed with another Christmas with his dad. His dad as most of your know has been battling cancer. It has been an up and down ride with him and so far things are even and he is doing okay. He has been battling this evil demon for about 6 and half years now. We are certainly lucky to have him still in our lives.

This Christmas flew by and I think I missed some of the important things Christmas offers. I did however remember to remind myself how incredibly blessed I am to have a wonderful, loving and patient husband, two annoyingly loving children who make me crazy however I see how much I am in love with them and how lucky to have them in my life. I am blessed to have 4 walls to keep me safe and warm and great family and friends surrounding us in their love. We are healthy and happy and learning from each other each day and I couldnt (and shouldnt) ask for anymore...

Christmas Get to know me...

Christmas get-to-know-me
I "stole" this from Michelle's sister's blog and thought it looked fun! Anyone wanna copy and paste their own answers into their blog?


1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper! It makes opening things so much more fun!

2. Real tree or artificial? We have a fake one. I would love to get a real one again but watering, vacuuming up the needles, etc would just be another task to add to my already busy day!

3. When do you put up the tree? About a week or two after Turkey Day

4. When do you take the tree down? Usually the day AFTER Christmas..

5. Do you like eggnog? Nope, but then again I should try it before I say no.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? It was Opsy Daisy Doll. It crawled and fell. Cute.

7. Do you have a nativity scene? Yes I do. Two actually. One I bought many years ago when Floyd and I first moved out. And another one by Willow Tree, which I love.

8. Hardest person(S) to buy for? My mother and father in law. And also my youger sisters.

9. Easiest person to buy for? Breonna

10. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? I honestly can't think of one..
.
11. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail, but I don't send them. I should.

12. Favorite Christmas movie? The grinch and Peanuts Christmas

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? uh, not soon enough. I have 7 days left and we are not ready at all.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Sadly, yes. But it was sent from out of state and given to someone I knew would love it. That being said I am not saying WHO got it or WHAT it was!

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Oh just food in general!

16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? Clear, but i think next year i will buy some colored ones.

17. Favorite Christmas song? Oh Holy night and Silent Night

18. Travel for Christmas or stay at home? We travel to Tacoma and Olympia, about an hour from us either way.

19. Can you name all 8 of Santa's reindeer? I could try, but I know it wouldnt be able too with out help or having to sing the song, which I would mess up anyways!

20. Angel on the tree top or star? We have an Angel. She is ugly. I bought her about 8yrs ago at Big Lots. It was for our 1st Christmas together (Floyd and I) and I havent bought another one. I would like a nice star to put up there for next year. But I am not huge on change, so she will probably be around for another 10yrs.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Traditionally on Christmas eve since i was a little kid we opened Pj's. Since having my own family we too do this. But everything else is opened on Christmas Morning.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? The amount of money I end up spending even though I always tell myself I won't spend that much. I suck!

23. What I love most about Christmas? Christmas Eve. I love it. We go to my moms, see family, eat, be merry (ha! ha!) and then we go to Church. I love the the "living cross" and Nathan will be old enough again to be in it!

IVF Fundraiser

As many people know my husband Floyd and I have been trying to get pregnant for close to 7years now. The cost for IVF is upwards from $15,000.00 of course we do not that kind of money. I keep watering our money tree in the backyard, but there is nothing growing.

So Floyd and I decided it was time to try something else. We have purchased about 20 silicone bracelets to sell as part of a fundraiser to help afford IVF. They are just like the yellow Lance Armstrong bracelets. They are baby blue in color and will say:

"Believe * Concieve" on one side and "Fighting Infertility" on the other side.

They will be $4.00 per bracelet and all the money we collect will go into an account at our fertility clinic in Seattle Wa. Like I stated above we only purchased 20 so far and if there is a want for them we will order more after Christmas.

If people are interested in them please email me at NPowell1980@comcast.net and we will be sure to mail them to you if we can't meet up.

Please feel free to pass this on to anyone and everyone who may be interested.

Thank you

Floyd and Nicole

Thankful...

Well its been awhile since I have posted. There are two reasons for this!

1. I forgot my user name AND password. That sucked!

and

2. I had fallen into a sad place with the fertilty treatments not working.

But over the last few days with Thanksgiving here (and Christmas following not too far behind) I have had some time to reflect over the happy things I do have in my life. There are many things in my life I need to be thankful for having and being blessed with. God has blessed me with much happiness and for that I am going to follow suit with Michelle's blog and leave my list.

I am thankful for:

1. My family
2. My health
3. My friends
4. The loving and lasting relationship I have with my husband.
5. Nathan and Breonna
6. Being able to work from home and be here for my family.

All too often we forget the things we have been blessed with. And I have been one of those people who have put aside the blessings and worried over what I want to have or don't have. I am sure we all go through that from time to time and I hope to be able to pocket this list and keep it with me so when I do forget I will have these reminders next to me.

What are you thankful for? You can blog it here on the comments or post it on your blog. Don't forget to send me the link!


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Fertility

Nothing new here on this. We took some time off due to my job and staff and money. Floyd and I decided to try brand name Repronex. Maybe this will work better than generic? I doubt it but its worth the try if it helps me keep in the game. The original plan was to try again in December, however it seems the office we be closed over certain parts of December due to the holidays so we will just move the next cycle to January. :)

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Nathan and Breonna are doing great. Nathan had a rough start at the beginning of the school year. Big changes being in Jr. High School. Since second quarter has come Nathan has A's in all but one class where he is getting a B. He is doing great. I remember in middle school there being more homework, but so far Nathan's homework seems to be far and few between. However he is passing all classes and doing well so no worries there. Nathan had his first girlfriend, which lasted a long, long time...3 days...according to Nathan the "relationship" went like this...

Nathan and "J" were walking our dogs on a Friday afternoon on a non school day.

J: "Nathan, I like you"
Nathan: " Oh, Okay"
J: "wanna be my boyfriend"?
Nathan: "Ummm, sure!"
J: "Okay"

For the rest of Friday they talked maybe three or four times. By Monday morning at school one of J's friends told Nathan "its over".

Ahhhhh love....and I am glad its over :)

Breonna is doing wonderful. Doing great in school. Loves her teacher! She will be starting basketball for her school in the next few weeks. She is very excited! No boyfriends, which is just fine by me and her father!

*********

Well its late and Monday comes very early!

Nothing New to Post....but this little tidbit...

If you are going through infertility and you get out of bed in the morning,You are doing well.

If you are going through infertility and you hold down a job,You are amazing.

If you are going through infertility and you are still remotely pleasant to others,You are a lot nicer than me.

If you are going through infertility and you go to a friend's baby shower,You are a good person, a stronger person than me, and I hope they appreciate how hard it is for you to be there.

If you are going through infertility and you cannot go to a friend's baby shower,You are still a good friend and a strong enough person to know what is best for you.

If you are going through infertility and you decide to do that first IVF,You are brave.If you are going through infertility and you decide that an IVF is not something you want to put yourself through,You are also brave.

If you are going through infertility and you decide to do "just one more treatment",You are strong and have truly inspirational perserverance.

If you are going through infertility and decide that you can no longer do this,You have the strength to know yourself and you are wise.

If you are going through infertility and you decide to adopt or use donor egg or sperm,You have an open heart and are an inspiration to others.

If you are going through infertility and decide to live child free,You know your heart and are able to open that big heart to all the children in your life.

If you are going through infertility and you cry daily,You are normal.

If you are going through infertility adn seeing pregnant women or those with babies makes you sad, angry, jealous and worse,Join the club.

If you are going through infertility and feel that your husband truly understands and is 100% supportive,He is rare and a keeper.

If you are going through infertility and you have a good support system,It will help ALOT.

Sorry that I have nothing new to report as far as the fertility stuff. We take our last hcg booster shot tomorrow evening and then I will just be waiting until Saturday to go and take the beta. I am still unsure if I really want to take it or not. I may just wait it out and see if I get my period or not. Not sure...will keep you all posted though!

Nice daycare day today. Low on kiddos and the day seemed to go smoothly thus far. I am thinking I am going to maybe take the afternoon off and head up to my bed when my afternoon assistant gets here. I am looking forward to doing that. Anyways, its nap time and 2pm. I think I will veg on the couch and doze for a bit....

Nicole

Sorry....

its been so long. Alot of has happened over the last week. I will start with Monday July 09, 2007. We went in for our ultrasound. Found out that I had one good follie at 18.9mm and another okay one at 14.6mm. The doctor suggested that it was time for a trigger shot to release the egg, but wanted us to wait until 12am midnight on Monday, so I suppose it was really Tuesday when I got the shot, which was was my 27th birthday. So anyways Floyd gave me the trigger shot at 12:07am and off to bed I went as I needed to work the next morning bright and early. On Wednesday we were scheduled for our IUI. Floyd went in early to do "his thing" and he came back and picked me up about 9:30am and we drove BACK up to Seattle for the IUI. It was done and over with within 20min. I had to sit with my hips up for about 15 to 20min and then off we went back home. Amazing parking only cost us $3.00 this time. Funny how the IUI was the fastest of all appointments up until this point! We were instructed to have intercourse again Wednesday night and everyother night following.

So today is Sunday. I guess I would be 4 days past ovulation. I am to have a trigger booster shot every 3 days. So we did on Friday night, will again tomorrow which is Monday and the last one on Wednesday evening. We will get to test on Saturday the 28th to see if I am pregnant.

I do have one simple request. Please do not ask me if I "feel" pregnant. I don't. I have no idea what it feels like to be pregnant. Nothing unsual is going on besides some twinges in my ovary area which I am told is normal.

Thanks for understanding all.....

Here is a link to a video you all may want to see. Its a short "video" of a couples struggle with infertility. http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

Nicole

"It is our longing for this child that keeps us on this path to trying...."

So it's been a long time...

and I should probably update. Lots going on. Well my last 2 appointments have been good. Nothing major. My follicles are growing slowly, but they are growing. They want they to grow slow and steady and since they are we are on target. My E2 level keeps going up which is a great sign! The last week has been awfully stressful for both me and Floyd. We are driving up to Seattle every two days so I can have ultrasounds and blood work done. The drive seems so long, even though it is a long drive it seems even longer than it once was. I am on auto pilot I think. I wake, up dress, daycare kids ready for my assistants to be with, get in the car, drive, drive, drive, check in, wait, blood work (cry!), walk directly to the ultrasound room, undress, lay down, and leave...it becomes ver rutien and honestly I feel almost violated. I know its all for a wonderful cause but honestly to come in every day and undress for someone different nearly every two days to look at my "va-jay-jay" is getting to be old and tiresome. Its been emotional for me and makes me feel a little crazy in the head. But hopefully once this is all done and over with it will be worth it.

Today, Saturday July 7, 2007 we went for another ultrasound. I have 9 lovely follicles. 5 on the right side and 4 on the left side. The biggest ones being 16mm on the left and 13.5mm on the right. They need to be 18 to 21mm for us to do IUI or hope they would be ready enough to create a life. Dr. Marshall says the grow about 2mm every day so on Monday or Tuesday I should be ready for the trigger shot and then following with IUI in the next 24 hours. Its exciting! :) Our last round of fertility drugs 2yrs ago had to be cancelled due to my follies not growing and my E2 level dropping. Anyways, we will be doing an IUI sometime next week and hopefully we will test positive 2 weeks later :)

Keep you updated!

Is today day 5?

Hmmmm....somehow I think today is maybe day 4 and not 5 of injections. But I am sure I am on track. Anyways, tomorrow we have a doctors appt in Seattle for an E2 level check and ultrasound. I can honestly say I have been stressing over this and having panic attacks about this visit and each upcoming one for a few weeks now. I know weeks seem odd but when you have to plan for this kind of event its hard. It is not just financial planning to pay for the appointments, its emotional planning as well. The emotional part is so hard for me. I remember when I was younger all I wanted to be was a mom. I wanted to be a lawyer, hairdresser, teacher and all those things too but those were just side jobs, being a mom was "the job". And here I sit wondering "will that happen" ? I don't mean to discount Nathan and Breonna. I love them as if I gave birth to them. I guess what I want most now is to experience "being" a mom or maybe just the parts leading up to it. Funny how I am looking forward to waking up sick to my stomach, watching my ankles swell, wearing maternity clothing, drinking the glucose drink, and giving birth. Well, I suppose when you can't have something as easily as others you want it even more.

Okay so tomorrow is my cycle day 7 work up. I go again on Tuesday and Thursday as well as Saturday and again on Monday and then every two days or more following that. Should be interesting!

Keep ya posted when I get back tomorrow....

Day 3

Did you know druggies can get needles and syringes at any time and place for anything, but ME a non-drug seeking indivual cannot? My evening started in a panic when my good-good friend Michelle and I left for a night out. I realized while we were out I would need to take my repronex injection and to do that I would need more needles. Since the last pharamacy forgot to order them I was on my own to find a pharamacy who could fill them and could fill them TONIGHT prior to 8pm. After several calls to different pharamcies I figured I could call my PCP and ask them to give me at least ONE needle to hold me over until South Hill Wal-Mart filled my 'script tomorrow. Would they do it? NO! The doctor told me he "didnt feel comfortable" giving me one. Even with my 'script right there from my RE! I just needed one! ONE! ONE DARN NEEDLE! After hanging up with my PCP I called Good Sam Hospital, they informed me that in Washington State you DO NOT need a 'script PERIOD to get needles and ANYONE can get them. I will be calling my PCP tomorrow to question his reasoning. Needless to say we found a pharamcy who could fill it. PHEW! As Michelle and I head to Ikea we stopped at Taco Dell Mar (YUMMY!) before we were going to go in I told Michelle we might as well just fill up the needle and you can give me the injection now. She looked at funny and said "what time is it?" I looked at my phone and said "7:42pm"! "NO! Its not 8pm we will do it at 8 o'clock. I want it to be at 8o'clock" So I said "fine" and we ate a quick dinner. After dinner I felt rather silly going into a public one stall restroom with Michelle. But we did and Michelle gave me my injection :) She did a WONDERFUL job :) No pain, no blood....and she has asked that Floyd remain busy the next few days so she can give them to me. Funny, somehow I don't think Floyd will object. Sorry to say Nathan was unable to capture that monumentous event on film tonight as he was home with his dad. Tomorrow Michelle will have to come back and do it again so Nathan can take our picture! Michelle was a true pro!

So afterall that we made it to Ikea! We spent too much! I bought a new duvet and curtains. I will have to post a picture later of my new bed and new bedding set tomorrow. Well tomorrow afternoon because its currently 12:09pm and its far far too late to redoing bedding....well maybe!

On a sad note my washing machine is currently farked up. It will not drain so tomorrow we will hopefully have it working. As for now I am borrowing Michelle's washer! She is returning the favor to me because not too long ago her washing machine broke down as well. Mine however MUST be fixed by tomorrow or I will probably be put into a mental instution by Sunday. I cannot live without my washing machine or vacuum. Any other appliance I could do with out. Those are total "no-no's" to live without!

Off to think about putting my bed together tonight!

Enjoy your weekend all...its my last 48hours until Monday, when I must return to work!

Today is day 2 of injections....

So Breonna was our photographer. She took a picture of her dad giving me the injection of medication :) She enjoyed it a little too much I think! Again please excuse the chub, stretch marks and my granny panties!

Day 3 will be Nathan taking the photograph of me "in pain"! Ha ha! Today's injection was actually painless! WOOHOO!

So today Breonna had her 10yr well check up. Overall she is doing wonderfully. She is 75% for both height and weight. She is offically able to "check out" of the carseat world. For a long time she was tall enough to be out of the booster seat, but unfortunatly not heavy enough. Her dad and I both agreed it would be best to keep her in one until she hit the weight requirements. Thankfully she didnt battle us too much and we NEVER made her bring her booster with her when she went with friends. Breonna got a finger stick to check her iron levels, which was all good and she got her Heb A vaccine as well. She didnt cry at all. I was so proud. Breonna also had her eye appointment. All good for the most part, but because of the long delay in getting her glasses back on her we are at a standstill and are starting with a lesser prescription and will need to get her evaluated in a month, which means a new 'script and more money! But all worth it.

Nathan also had his eye appointment. He will have to wear reading only glasses. He was glad to hear they were only for reading and not something he will need to wear all the time like his sister. Nathan's 12yr well child check up will be on my birthday, July 10. I will update you all then!

My 1st injection

Was tonight at exactly 8pm. Floyd gave it to me and he did a great job. He of course second guessed himself which made me second guess myself about how to put it (90 degree angle) but still we had a little "tiff" and I finally said "JUST DO IT!" To which he did :) And did a great job.

So here is a picture of my "target" and the little red dot in the center is where Floyd stabbed me :) Which by the way hurt like a SOB because the alcohol was not dry when he pushed in the needle...ouch!

Please DO NOT look at those stretch marks OR the chub hanging off my jeans...only the target, you see ONLY the target!

We got the offical go head

to start injections and clomid. My ovaries were all clear. So tonight I will be starting 150IU's of Repronex and 100mg of clomid.

I was totally nervous going in, thinking the worst. I have been in so much pain the last few days I was worried I had some cysts in there. But nope, nothing! WOOHOO! So I had the ultrasound with the ultrasound tech and she gave me the all clear. My Doctor came in and repeated the meds needed and had the nurse come into show Floyd where to put the injections. I have lovely "targets" on my upper hip/butt area in permanent marker. I go in on Sunday for a blood draw for my E2 levels to make sure things are growing and moving and then I will be coming in every 2 days after that until the Doctor gives us the go ahead to use the trigger shot and do IUI.

So there it is in nut shell. We are starting a new round of injections. Please say a few prayers for us. We need them!

Baby Names

So over dinner Floyd and I played more of the "name game". Our latest names are nothing spectacular, but atleast he agreed on more than one name. However, we were only able to come up with Girl names....amazing considering he is dead set on a boy coming out of my vagina first :)

Girls:

Adisyn Michelle Powell

Sofia (Sofie) Christine Powell

Georgia Michelle Powell

Because I really like older names it was hard for us to agree. We have also agreed on Ella (or Ellie) Loralei and Phoebe (except Phoebe doesn't mesh well with our last name). Those names are still in consideration, but were not a favorite.

Boy names I like are:
Names w/ astris by them are names I like more.

*now most of the middle names for boys are Robert (my dads 1st name) and LeRoy (Floyds dad's middle name)*

Jaxson Wyatt**
Seth Robert-LeRoy **
Carson Robert-LeRoy
Riley LeRoy Robert
Chase LeRoy-Robert **
Carter Robert - LeRoy
Jacob Evan OR Jacoby (jah-ko-bee) Robert **
Owen Robert-LeRoy
Connor Haze **
Hezikya (Haze) Robert-LeRoy **
Ryan Gage**
Noah Robert-LeRoy


Anyways there is our list, kinda. So tomorrow morning I will be heading up for an ultrasound and some blood work. I will keep you all posted.

Today is cycle day 1

Well I started my period this morning. I knew it was coming for sure last night. I was crampy and uncomfortable and did not sleep this well. So I called my doctor's office and we scheduled our cycle day 3 ultrasound and a blood work up for Wednesday at 10am. As long as I have no apparently big cysts I will be given the go ahead to start the clomid and repronex. I am very nervous.

Floyd and I always seem to play the "name game" when we start a new round of medication for fertility. Floyd is always thinking that if we get pregnant we will have a boy. I however, given our families history KNOW we will have a girl. I am secretly wishing for a girl though.

Well off to put my feet up. I am waiting for a friend to call about coming to her house to make a few blankets :)

Talk to you all soon. I will keep you updated!

Wednesday I popped my last pill of...

Provera. Which means my cycle will be starting here anyday and that means I will be going in for my first ultrasound on cycle day 3 to see if I have any cysts (please pray that I don't) and if I have no large cysts on my ovaries I will be starting the clomid and repronex combo.

I am sure my cycle will start soon. I can feel twinges of pain on both sides of my ovaries. For those of you who have ovulation pains it sort of feels like that, just stronger. I also am getting mild cramping...so for those of you who hate getting your period I am sure its totally weird to hear about someone writing about how excited they are to be getting one! I just LOVE having my period! I don't exactly like all the tampons, cramps and advil but the ending result is what I long for....

So more updates as the days go by. For now here is a link to PCOS for those of you who have asked what it is.

http://www.4woman.gov/faq/pcos.htm

Here is a picture of what an ovary with PCOS looks like...its kinda looks like a chocolate chip cookie...

Today is the last day of school....

Today is Nathan and Breonna's last day of school. Coming home with them will be a ton of unused school supplies, art projects galore, and assignments the teacher has kept for the year. That is the one thing I hate about the end of the school year. All the "stuff" that comes home with them. Unopened markers, crayons, packs of paper, peechees, etc. We spend probably 70.00 to 80.00 on school supplies each year per child. We make sure we get all the supplies on both lists, run from store to store and then even during the start of the school year we make more trips back to the store for the items that werent in stock or the supplies the teacher forgot to add on to the list..... and all for it to come back home in June! What really cracks me up is the fact that each year their grade level supply lists change so the unused supplies from last year arnt needed/wanted for the new year. Teachers!

So Breonna attended her year end Choir party. They did a potluck BBQ at the school and played her favorite sport, baseball. She very much enjoyed it. She really is an excellent baseball player.

Here is a picture from their last day of school. Overjoyed and all...

This will be Nathan's last year of wearing uniforms as he will offically move on to Jr. High School fo the 7th grade. How totally scary! Breonna will spend another 2yrs in the Elementary School, very aware of the fact that she will be wearing a uniform for the next two years.

It really does seem like yesterday that I was meeting Nathan at his kindergarten classroom. He insisted on taking the bus from daycare to school on his first day. I remember getting to his classroom and seeing the huge spaghetti mark on his new yellow shirt. First day of school and first impression of us looking like slobs. It was a great feeling. I remember trying my best to cover it up with his name tag. It still looked awful...he had a great first day of kindergarten. He loved every minute of it and its all he talked about that day. He was up and ready the next day at about 6:10am, and hour and half before I needed to even think about getting up and 2 hours and 15min before the bus even arrived...he was eager to go and still does enjoy school! Breonna's first day of kindergarten was so hard. I remember Floyd and I both took her there. We dropped her off at the door and she said good-bye to us. My mouth was on the floor..my baby was leaving me, for SCHOOL! I was the only parent standing outside the classroom window crying like a fool. Floyd trying to pull me away and now I kinda feel dumb. Breonna enjoyed her first day of kindergarten too, talked about it for the rest of the day and then the next morning came and I told her to get dressed and ready to go. She replied "uh, why? I already did school. I'm done now. I grad-ju-mated, I can go back to Sandy's (daycare) now" Life was a total shock for her from then on...she was a big girl and she was going to be at school everyday for the rest of her life (or so she say...)! Since then every school morning has been a similar battle...ugh!

Bows for sale!

I almost forgot to announce that I am now selling hair bows! I am making these bows and selling them to help with fertility costs!As most of you know the drugs are very expensive AND our insurance is no longer covering all the labs and such like they once were! So if you know anyone who is looking to buy some hair pretties for their little ones, girls preferrably!

Here are a few pictures! I can make them in just about any colors. Just ask :) $5.00 each or 2 for

$8.00.

Its nearly Friday....

...and I am counting down the days until my much needed vacation. After 2yrs with not taking any real time off from doing daycare I really need it. I have taken a few days here and there off, but mostly because I have been either sick or an appt to go too. This will be a whole week of bliss...well maybe! I am going to try and schedule Bree and Nate's eye appts in and attempt to clean out the spare room!

We are supposed to be getting our backyard redone soon. Hopefully, it will be done the week I am on vacation. It would be nice to have the kids come back to a newly done yard. We are having one side cemented. I can't wait. My hopes is to buy maybe a basketball hoop for the older kiddos and a few more ride on toys for the new toddlers I have. Should be great! Seeing as how my licensed has been upped to 12 children I can't very well drive anywhere with them all unless of course I rent a bus and that is not happening!


Oh goodness me, I almost forgot. Tomorrow is the last day of school for Nathan and Breonna. So next fall Nathan will be starting Jr. High and Breonna will be in the 5th grade! Amazing and sad all the same. Nathan had his 6th grade graduation ceremony this afternoon at 1pm (wish I could of gone...another post for another day!) and tonight he has his 6th grade "party". Breonna is awfully jealous that Nathan will be going to another school where he won't have to wear uniforms everyday, I on the other hand LOVE the idea of uniforms....what are your opinions on them?

....A couple pictures from Nathan's graduation! Now, Floyd took these....

Job opening! Job opening! Polka-Tots home child care (my daycare) is hiring. I need a morning assistant and soon. My younger sister Stephanie is helping me until she finds a job. She just graduated from college (go Steph!) and has now joined the "real world" and is looking for a job making more than 10.00 an hour! Her twin, Emily is working at Boeing and loves it. I pray Stephanie will find a job just as wonderful! They deserve it! College is hard work! Anyways, she is working here. So far, so good.....I hope. She didnt say she loved it but she never said she hated it so I am thinking I need to find someone FAST before she does decide she hates it and doesnt want to come back! But hey, for now its someone and she is great with the kiddos and she is making some money. I do wish I could offer her more. My neice Melissa would like a summer job working here. So I will need to schedule a couple days for her to come out and work. She is awesome with the kids and is my artist! I think I will have to let her know her job will be thinking of two art projects to do with the kids each week, granted I will buy the stuff.

Well I am off! I need to head for the shower!

Does anyone even read this???

Does anyone even read these blogs?

Leave a comment and let me know I am not writing to myself :)

Thanks!
Nicole

Day 3 of my provera...

Well its going to be day 3 of my provera. I have tonight, Tuesday and Wednesday of provera and hopefully I will start my period by what I am hoping for Friday or Saturday. However, I am pretty sure it won't start until Sunday or Monday. Because I am timing this so I have my period on my vacation (yeah, I know what most of you are thinking) I want my cycle to start early enough that day 3 (when I get my 1st ultrasound) will be on Monday so I am not wasting a day.

On another note, my morning assistant quit. Her reasons we justified, however she did not offer to work two weeks for notice given. Its been hard since she hasnt been here. I have several new kids and my husband isnt exactly "Mr. Wonderful" with the daycare. He does try and I am blessed to have him here helping me, but this isnt his job, nor his calling. He wants to be back at work and I know helping me isnt what he wants to do. Thankfully, he is willing to try. He does a lot and is great with the kids, until they don't listen. So I am on the prowl for another assistant. My last assistant who just quit was really great with the kids. The kids keep asking when she is coming back. Talk about a bummer for not only me, but them. My little sister, Stephanie has offered (okay, so I asked her to help and she said "yes") to help me here on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. My neice wants a job for the summer too. So I have help. I just need consistent help and someone who isnt going to leave me again. One of the biggest reasons I was bummed about "M" leaving was that I adjusted our fertility schedule to after she got her 1st aid and CPR so I could leave her alone for 2 hours with the kiddos while we ran up to Seattle for the appts. However, it won't be happening as I planned. Most likely, Stephanie will be here with either Melissa or Floyd while I go up alone or with a friend. Not something I wanted to happen. Floyd should have to be there with me, I am sure he wants to be there with me.

So, there is a small update. No side effects from the provera. I am used to it. The metformin is the one I am having troubles with. Its for insuline resistence. Something PCOS patients like myself suffer from. Anyways, I am only able to stomach 1000mg which the doctor said was better than nothing, but I know deep down she really wants me to either be at 2000mg or max out at 2500mg.

On the WW front, I have lost some weight. I am not "great" at it, but its coming off. This last week I lost nothing, but didnt gain anything! So that is something.

I am at 238.4lbs heres hoping to losing something this week! Embarressing to tell everyone where I am weight wise BUT I think that writing it down for everyone to see and read will help me get to where I want to be. My first goal is just losing 2 more pounds. After that my next goal will be to loose 5lbs. I can do it. Will take time....


Off to realive my husband. He is holding a baby for me. I needed a quick break!

They have arrived....

At 11:27am the door bell rang. As I tried to beat the dogs and all the daycare kids to the door, I of course fell on my ass. Lucky me. The kids looked at me like I was nuts, only one asking "you okay? You gonna get up or what?" Thanks Gabbie... Answering the door is the man from DHL, he hands me my package and ohmigosh I am so excited I am rambling on and on telling him how excited I am that the fertility meds came so soon and how happy I am to see him here and the rambling dosnt stop until he says "Ma'am can you sign here please?" Signing away I see he is looking at me quite oddly, I look over my shoulder and I see two 15month olds, a 17month old and 2 preschoolers still behind me. I look up and say "they arnt mine". "uh huh" as he smiles and leaves...

So anyways they are here. This little package, in bubble wrap mailed to me with my name on it all the way from London. I got the kids all settled into an activity and set the package on the counter, staring at it I know this package, this $471.00 is hopefully going to contain the "magic" needed to help my husband and I produce a baby. About 10min later I rip open the package and read over every little thing.

~ Store at room temp
~ Store HCG in fridge
~ May cause mood swings (not "may" WILL cause mood swings)
~ Draw up using saline only; not water
~ May cause pregnancy (duh! That is the hope!)
~ May cause hyperstimulation of eggs

So I store the HCG in the fridge and call about the repronex to double check that I can store in a cupboard. Yup! All storage is a go....now....I wait for a couple weeks...

The drugs have been ordered!

Well we ordered the drugs to start a new treatment for fertility. I am excited and nervous. I was stressing over finances and how we were going to pay for these drugs and then I remembered we have payflex from Floyd's work. We had money put aside from his checks for fertility! So I went ahead and ordered the drugs only to find out the company we want to use doesnt take mastercard...and payflex doesnt reimburse right away. I was so upset. Thankfully, I got up the nerve to ask my mom to let us borrow the money and we would pay her back when we got reimbursed by payflex. She agreed! And I ordered the drugs! $471.50 for this round of meds, not too bad. Definetly better than over 1200.00 if ordered in the states. We get our, or should I say MY drugs in Europe where they are MUCH MUCH cheaper!
I also started my metformin back up, 500mg. I was informed by the pharmacist that i could CRUSH this pill up and either add some water to it OR sprinkle it over food. So I bought a pill crusher and sprinkled it over applesauce and took it with NO issues! I am so stoked! This pill is HELL and I have had a knock down drag out uphill battle with this pill ever since I was told to start taking it a few years ago. But hopefully this applesauce trick does it for me because I need to take atleast 3 or 4 of these pills every day!! ARGH!

So say a little prayer for us! We need it!

I will keep you all updated (for those who read this...does anyone read this?!) on what is happening with the fertility stuff and all dr's visits.

Trying again....

Well, we have decided to step up to the plate and try the fertility drugs again. Kind of a scary moment for me. I mean just when I was feeling somewhat "normal" again, we decide to start all over. It was kind of nice to not have the worry about making appointments, waking up extra early to beat traffic, injections, heartache, metformin (which I need to order more of), money for my drugs, ultrasounds, clomid, bloodwork, tears, and so much more. But we are going to get on the wagon and hope it works again. I have heard and read patients with PCOS (like me) respond better to the clomid/repronex combination. But I also heard a lot of good stories about PCOS and repronex only so I don't know what to believe. But I have faith something will work.

Anyways, I went to order the drugs today. For 30 ampules of Repronex in Europe its only $12.75 each ampule. In the states its close to $48.00 per ampule or more! I also needed to order 2 trigger shots, where in Europe they are around $14.00 and in the states its more like $80.00 EACH. Okay so back to ordering...I call IVF meds and talk to Ryan we get the whole order set up and he tells me "sorry ma'am we don't take mastercard anymore!" WHAT THE HECK? Who doesnt take mastercard...well apparently IVF meds doesnt anymore. This mastercard/debit card was from our flex pay spending account so now I am stuck, kinda disappointed and frusterated here I was all ready to order the meds and make it "offical" and I find out they don't take mastercard GRRRrrrr...more phone calls to make tomorrow I see...hopefully one day soon ALL WORTH IT

Please keep us in your prayers that this cycle works. Not sure if I can muster up the courage to do another round anytime soon. Our last cycle of injectables was 32 DAYS of me getting injections in the hip area...NOT FUN and then after all those injections and hundreds of ultrasounds and bloodwork they cancelled the cycle due to not responding well! So please pray for us. We need it! :)

Thanks
Nicole

I want to be a mom.....

I want to be a mom. But I can't. Instead, I'm a mom wannabe. I want to procreate. I want to conceive a child naturally with my husband, in the privacy of our home, in the spirit of love and passion, in the way God intended. But I can't. Instead, a Doctor, a laboratory and a test tube will try to assist God with our conception. I want to discover that my period is several days late. I want to buy a pregnancy test and pee on a stick. I want to see the + sign. I want to cry tears of joy for the news we'd discover. But I can't. Instead, I cry tears of pain at random, for no reason and with no warning. I want to experience morning sickness. I want my hormones to go haywire. I want the 'pregnant glow.' I want to have my husband talk to my belly. But I can't. Instead, I try not to look pregnant. I don't buy clearance clothes for next year, "just in case." I try to keep my emotions from going haywire. I dream that my husband talks to my belly. I want to take pre-natal vitamins. I want to eat for two. I want to schedule my first doctor's visit. I want to sit in the waiting room with other pregnant women and know that I am one of them. But I can't. Instead, I wonder if those pregnant women ever had problems conceiving. I think how cute they look as they waddle with their big bellies. I smile at babies that are not mine. I ache from loving someone I've never met. I want to hear the Doctor say, "You're pregnant. Your progress is right on schedule." But I can't. Instead, I hear: "I am sorry," "Let's try one more cycle," "Technology is really improving." I want to surprise my parents with a new grandchild. I want to tell my family and friends our good news. I want my life to change overnight. I want to read What to Expect When You're Expecting. But I can't. Instead, I have no news to tell. I realize my life hasn't changed in years. I read When Empty Arms Leave a Heavy Burden. I want to monitor the progress. I want to see the ultrasounds. I want to hear the heartbeat. I want to watch our baby grow. I want to feel the kicks. But I can't. Instead, I take the injections. I give blood. I watch my eggs grow and pray they fertilize. My embryos are transferred, while my husband watches our conception from across the room. I wait. I pray. I wait for the one phone call that can make our life better. Or worse. I want to decorate the nursery. I want to childproof our home. I want to shop for adorable, soft, tiny outfits. I want to shop at Gymboree. I want to save money for the baby's future. But I can't. Instead, I imagine a crib in the empty room down the hall. I avoid the baby stores in the mall. We spend our money on Doctor appointments, tests and high tech procedures. We spend our money on a dream. We are left with an empty bank account. We are left with empty arms. I want to share the experience with my pregnant friends. I want to compare symptoms. I want to be the guest of honor at a baby shower. But I can't. Instead, I watch my friends get pregnant quickly. I watch their bellies grow, attend their showers, see their pictures and try to be a good friend. I watch their lives change and our friendships change in front of my eyes. I want my belly to drop. I want my water to break. I want contractions. I want an epidural. I want my husband by my side and my family in the waiting room. I want the pushing. I want the pain. I want to hear the cry. But I can't. Instead, I feel a different pain. I hear my own cry. Yes, I even hear the cry of my husband, which hurts more than I had ever imagined. I want to hold our baby in my arms, with tears of joy streaming down our faces. I want to experience the miracle of birth, thinking, "We did it", but knowing that God did it. But I can't. Instead, I hold my husband in my arms with tears of sorrow streaming down our faces and wonder what God's plan is for us and why we have to go through this. I want to pray that one extra special blessing be added to my life. And I do. I pray my 1000th unanswered prayer to God and hope that this time He answers. I pray for the miracle of life that only God can give. I pray that someday soon, He will give it to us. I want to be a mom. --- But I can't. Instead, I am right where God wants me to be: thankful for our blessings, searching out His will, basking in His grace, trusting in His perfect plan, praying for a change in status from a mom wannabe . . . to the mom I want to be...

Parenting sucks...

Tonight was the first night I can honestly say I feel like a total failure as a mother to Nathan and Breonna. This evening when the kids and my husband got home from Nathan's basketball practice, Breonna asked if she could go outside to play. My response was "Yes, but stay in the front yard." She said okay and went out to play. About thirty minutes later dinner was done and I was calling her from the front door. No answer, not unusual, but nonetheless frusterating. I call her name 2 or 3 more times, find my shoes and walk out the door to the yard where I look around to see a vacant and quiet neighborhood, except of course for the 2 neighbors looking at me like I was insane. Great! Now all the neighbors think I am reeeealll super...I lost my kid! I go back inside and finish dishing up dinner while Floyd heads out to search for her, all the while I am trying my best to not freak out and worry too much (because as most of my friends and family know I am such a worrier...about EVERYTHING) thoughts run through my head that she has been kidnapped....she is being drug into the woods....the front door opens, there she comes just bouncing in like a freaking fairy "Oh is dinner finally done?" she says. Mouth open I look at her and say "where were you?" Of course the dumb founded 'duh mom' look comes across her face as she states she was at a friends house. Our conversation comes into play like this:

Me: "Breonna where did I tell you could play?"
Bree: Outfront
Me: "and you were where....?"
Bree: "at my friends house, they asked if I could go jump on their trampoline...I thought dad knew where I was going because he looked at me when I was walking over there"
Me: "Breonna, again where did I say you could play?"
Bree: "I know, I know...outfront" apparently NOT understanding what I am getting at she proceeds to say " but I thought dad knew where I was going...."
Me: "Breonna did you TELL your dad where you were going? Again, I told you I wanted you to stay in the front yard. Did you check in to say you were going to a friends house to play? I was worried! I had no idea where you were. I thought someone took you!"
Bree: "Well dad looked at me when I was going there I thought he knew"
Me: "That isnt the point, I told you, you needed to stay in the front yard and you never SPOKE to your father. You disobeyed me. After dinner you need to take a shower and head to bed"
Bree: Looking at the clock and then at me in utter shock she says "BUT ITS ONLY 7:30"
Me: "Yeah I can tell time, get your dinner..."
......still waiting for when the apology is going to take effect so I can then redirect the conversation into something more along the lines of allowing her stay up but in her room until bedtime she begins to cry, making me feel horrible as usual. I of course stick to my guns KNOWING she will remember next time to let us know where she is going before she leave and possibly reminding her obey me. After dinner she puts her plate in the sink. I tell her Breonna the dishwasher has dirty dishes in it, you can load it up with your plate. She looks at me cross eyed and says "Its Nathan's turn for the dishwasher"! I look back at her and say "Breonna you can put your own dishes away please" as she stomps all the way back to the kitchen and puts her dishes away and then resumes the same stomp up the stairs, sobbing louder now, letting everyone know how upset she is, she takes a shower, sobbing even louder so we can hear it over the shower water....she gets out and slowly walks back downstairs looks at me and her father and says "well I have to go to bed...'night" We kiss her goodnight and say we love her. She walks ever so slowly to the stairs and looks back and says "its too early, I am not tired" I looked at her and said "Breonna good night, we love you" Of course not getting her way she stomps up the stairs and SLAMS her door. I am now annoyed and I stupidly tell her to come back down. I feel the need to explain to her again why she is being punished as she cuts me off saying "I know, I know...you just like to make me upset! It makes you happy to punish me" In total shock I look at her and say "seriously? You really think I ENJOY making you upset" Totally serious she looks at me and say "yes!" Holy, Mother of Pearl! Can you believe this kid? She seriously and honestly believes that my entire exsistence on this planet is to make her life as misreble as can be because I have nothing better to do....She then procedes to explain to me this following list

1) I made her starve this morning. Because of course as everyone knows Breonna is only what 12lbs? She never is allowed to eat and her bones are protruding.... I remind her "no I gave you 30min to get breakfast before the carpet cleaners got here. You choose to yell at your brother and by the time you were done the carpets were being started and I told you would have have to wait. I offered you a snack and you snubbed your nose at it. You informed you "hated that" and would "now have to starve and watch Nathan eat the snack you hated"

2) I always make her do something "not fun" like clean her room or walk the dog. Well hello....isnt that my entire life mission? I again remind her that she was told on Thursday her room needed to be cleaned by Saturday morning before the cleaning lady arrived or she would find all her belongings on her bed and would need to clean after she left. I also reminded she was the one who begged for the 2nd dog and told me she "promised" she would walk the dog....

3) That I have too many rules and consequences and I don't love her. Totally feeling the need to peel my skin with a potato peeler I am reminded of what my dear friend Michelle would tell her kids about not loving her. I explain that if I didnt love you I would let you eat candy for every meal and never make you brush your teeth. That I would let you stay up all night and skip school, and never make you take a bath. That you would never have any chores or have any responsibilities" Confused Breonna looks at me and says "whatever".

4) All I do is yell at her and only her. Now by nature I consider myself a loud person in general. I apparently was not graced with soft spoken voice and patience of my mother! However, I have gotten MUCH better in that I am not speaking as loud to them, nor yelling, nor even speaking to them half as much because I absolutly hate gearing up for world war 938984732841. So I ask her "Breonna, when was the last time I yelled at you" Saying nothing for what must of been 3min I ask her again she says "well Monday!" (talk about keeping a score card)

So after a repeat of explaining to her that I do love her, that she has consequences for her actions, and that she too is a part of this family and needs to help out with chores she looks at me and I know what she is thinking. She is totally thinking "shut &^#% up". I so know she is. Finally giving up because I know this is just going to be a vicious circle I just say "Goodnight Breonna....."

She walks up the stairs and heads to bed and I start bawling...I totally SUCK at this parenting gig.

Why is parenting so hard? Why do I feel as if I am going to royally screw up these two kids? Does every parent feel this way? Because if you do I so need to know you are right there with me screwing up your child's life too. I so need to join the club. Sign me up NOW! Maybe this is just another stage in the life of children. Maybe, they grow out of it....or maybe I grow out of feeling like the horrible parent. I swear this parenting gig blows. No one and I mean NO ONE told me, not once being a parent would be this hard. Where is the rule book that state this? Shouldnt this somewhere in the beginning pages? I swear if I was the last person on this planet alone with children I would totally demand a re-count because I could not do it! Thank goodness for the friends I have and my mom....without them I would be lost! Hell, without this blog I might be lost!